Acceptance requested

Hello kids. It’s that time again. Welcome back. I hope you had a great weekend and I hope you’re all prepared for St. Patty’s Day tomorrow.

Today I am going to discuss the topic of losing friends and family due to a head injury, ie concussion, mtbi or tbi. This may be a touchy subject but I believe this is an important issue to address.

The day I suffered my head injury, my best friend Nikki was driving my humvee. We were almost inseparable and volunteered to do this event together. We were going to New Mexico and Texas together and then we were going to war together. Until we found out Nikki was pregnant and I got hurt.
For a while our friendship stayed strong. I reassured her she wasn’t alone when it came to having the baby and I did my best to help. But I had my own issues.

My headaches were 12s on a scale 1-10. I was nauseous and disoriented most of the time, when I wasn’t sleeping. My moods were erratic and I also had suicidal ideation. Instead of trying to understand and be there for me, Nikki decided to spend time with the person who was saying I was weird and calling me names. She told me I was different and I wasn’t fun anymore.
Of course I wasn’t “fun.” My life was falling apart. My career was over, I lost my apartment, I couldn’t pay my bills; and I couldn’t go out drinking like she wanted to, like we used to.  I was depressed all the time and on my birthday I was depressed. Instead of being there for me, she went out and got drunk and never even came back to housing. This thing was ending everything.

I’ve lost countless friends since then. Heck, my mom was a nut job but even when I tried to let her in, she said she couldn’t handle it. (But per previous posts, it most likely was not a factor).

I’ve discovered, only tbi sufferers really understand it. Even if you have other health problems, it’s hard to understand what’s going on in the mind of someone who has had a brain injury. Some people like true friends and family really try, most of the time unsuccessfully.

Here are some things people don’t understand.
1. Sometimes we just don’t feel well
2. Sometimes it’s difficult for us to be around people
3. Sometimes we forget
4. Sometimes we are screaming for help but can’t voice it
5. Sometimes we get so depressed we don’t know what to do
6. Sometimes we just can’t see the positive side
7. Sometimes our pain is stronger than we are
8. Most of the time, we question, “Why!”
9. Most of the time, we can’t control how we are feeling
10. Almost always, we don’t mean the things we say
Bonus: We are hurt mentally and physically easily. Any little thing said or done, can flip a switch for us.

And let’s not forget, being within 300ft of our skull is going to freak us out. So keep elbows away.

We don’t intentionally hurt people. If you invite us out and we can’t go,it isn’t YOU. This isn’t a sweet letdown. It really is US. Something in our brain is saying, “no.” It doesn’t mean we don’t care, we don’t want to or have no interest.

Also, if we try and truly make an effort (even if we fail), we need to know you aren’t going to degrade us but at least acknowledge we are trying. We aren’t perfect, no one is; but now we are far from it. We aren’t attention seeking but it runs our lives while others are living theirs.

We aren’t asking for hugs or anything in return other than acknowledgment and acceptance. We may not often show our feelings because it’s hard for us or we may not see them ourselves. It doesn’t mean they aren’t there.

Since my very sweet, loving boyfriend passed away, I’ve cried under a handful of times. It doesn’t mean I loved him any less. I can’t find the feelings I’m supposed to have. I just know I miss him, wish he was here everyday and am sad my life is empty without him. Will anyone see that? Probably not aside from my Polytrauma psychologist.

We are still human; we’re just a little broken and sometimes need our friends to stick by us to keep our pieces together.

I hope you all have a wonderful week and avoid hits to the head tomorrow. No bar fights allowed for my readers.