Phoenix rises, then falls and rises again

Hello kiddos!

Yeah, I know, I am a terrible blogger. How are you all who subscribed supposed to put up with such slacking? I do not know but you are amazing readers and I really do enjoy writing you all.

So, things have been kind of wild lately. As you know, since I’ve been sent home, I hav enot been too happy. It doesn’t help that I haave had to look for a job, figure out my medical stuff and wonder if my unit is EVER going to put me on my medical orders.

On Monday, I went to a security agency and filled out an application. I thought it went wonderfully. The lady was super nice and I had a lot of fun talking to her. She told me to come in Wednesday for an interview. I thought, “Maybe, just maybe I can be a tad happy.” So I posted all over Facebook and texted my friends that I really think I landed this job and how happy it was making me. *Phoenix Rises*

Wednesday, two hours before my interview, the lady calls and says that they are only doing security for HIGH PROFILE clients and she would hold on to my application. I was so sad and disappointed. I felt let down and believed that is why I am such a pessimist. Everytime I get excited about something, something bad happens. So I ended up driving an hour away for fast food just to escape for a while. *Phoenix Falls*

Midnight last night, I applied for three more security jobs online. I was not going to let my spirit break. I needed the job and I don’t want to move again, darn it. But around noon, the lady called me and asked me if I still wanted the job. “Heck yeah” I still wanted the job. So she told me to come in, grab some paperwork and get my physical. I got the paperwork, got my physical then tomorrow I go in for my license. I should be starting work this weekend. Needless to say, I’m not too disappointed. It looks like I may still need to move since my apartment is still almost too expensive but it’s ok. I will be ok. At least I have work. That’s all that matters. *Phoenix Rises*

Next up, just still waiting on my medical orders. I’ve been pretty lucky with the doctor I have. She has been taking care of a lot for me. So far my unit says it’s not a matter of IF but WHEN I get them. It’s kind of a good thing. For three days, I was so nauseous, I didn’t want to get off my couch. The headaches were terrible and fuzzy vision-not fun. So getting to the doc will be nice.

But so far, life isn’t tooooo bad. I just have to accept some things but make others work. We will see how this goes but I am going to do my best to stay positive all the way through this.

 

Well kids, my morning starts early tomorrow. Thanks for reading. I will do my best to write you again as soon as possible!! Take care and I will talk to you soon!!

It’s kicking in…

Good evening, kiddos. It’s late but I can’t sleep and need to write, it soothes the soul. Ok, I am just telling myself that but it kind of helps getting this all out.

Today, a friend of mine and my SSG that’s been helping me out so much left for their training. They’re leaving too. It really feels like EVERYONE I care about is leaving or is already gone, either moved away or going to war. What am I doing? Sitting here. I’m trying to pull myself out of this funk but everytime I pull myself back up, someone steps on my fingers.

My unit is still busting their humps to get me on med orders. As of right now, I am applying for a ton of jobs to hold me over which I am incredibly grateful for. Here’s the thing, it isn’t masking how bad I feel about everything else. I am all stoked I might get to stay in the Army, stay in my apartment and do have some great friends. But, nothing is filling the void I have right now.

My SSG that has been helping me out so much, I can’t tell him I see him as not only a leader but a friend. I genuinely worry about him and my other friends all the same. It stinks. I ended up going for a walk tonight and crying thinking about everyone who means anything to me leaving and I’m not with them. I know I can’t stop something bad from happening, but it would feel so different if I were there.

I have so much and yet feel so empty. I am so tempted to go to a recruiter this week. But I know my SSG would be wuite upset at me. I know I need to heal but still. I’m ready to get on the next plane out of here. Too bad the past 3 days have consisted of not being able to really sleep and not eating as well as I should.

Just have to try to stay positive, try to stay motivated and hope my friends and loved ones can put up with me and help me pull through this. I know so many have it way worse than I and I would do anything to help them if they wanted me to but for now, I need to focus on me and hope to goodness I can make something work.

Alright, sorry for venting kids. I appreciate your patience. I will try to be a little more positive next time I write. I just needed to get this out. Thanks again for being amazing.

Sweet dreams!

 

Dealing, kind of

Why hello kids,

My 1,000 apologies once more for not being what you would probably consider, an ideal blogger. I probably should be writing you all everyday but I haven’t quite had the time lately. Sadly, I am trying to get used to, the civilian life. *shudders*

While there is nothing wrong with the civilian life, I still don’t see that it is for me. I haven’t been home from my mobilization training for a week and I am ready to find the nearest recruiter and have them help me get out of here. BUT, that’s not realistic. I would still need to heal up before anyone takes me.

So, that’s what I am attempting to do, heal. The headaches are few and far between and not as bad as they were. I wonder if coming home was good for me even though I don’t see it that way or if they would have just given me a little more time, I would have been perfectly fine.

Here’s the thing about being home, I have been busting my butt getting my paperwork turned into the VA so I can get a claim going, waiting to see if my unit is going to give me some type of work and getting my resumes straight so I can apply for as many jobs as possible until I can figure out my life.

I have been very lucky to have an amazing leader who has really put up with all of my craziness with a ton of texts and Facebook messages. He has been giving me advice and helping me get my resumes together. I don’t know how he does it when I am normally whining about wanting to just go active duty and all that other madness. I know he is looking out for me when he says, “I wish I could smack some sense into you.” I really hope someday I can call him a friend because I see someone who can deal with all that as a true friend.

My best friend has also been helping me get through this. He doesn’t know how he can help much, but he has been an ear and a shoulder from very far away. He’s one of those guys who has been my friend for over a year. Even all the times my PTSD days kick in and I freak out, he knows just what to say and how to put me in my place and when I am super sad, make me laugh.

And then there’s the ex-husband. I must say he has been the most amazing friend of all time. He brought his dad’s car to me so I have transportation and we spent the whole drive taking him back to Cheyenne and dinner, laughing. It really helped that as soon as he walked into my apartment he gave me a hug when I needed it. I tell you, I don’t know what to believe in anymore but I can say, somehow, I am TRULY blessed.

So, you’re probably wonderin (or not wondering at all but I’m going to tell you anyway), how I am dealing with this whole not getting deployed with my brothers and sisters thing. Well here is how that is going. When I first came home, I couldn’t even buy groceries. I was at the grocery store and kept thinking I was going back. I wasn’t staying home, there’s no way. I wasn’t even going to unpack my apartment. I mean, I have been playing Army for 6 months straight now, there was no way I was staying home.

It’s been nearing a week now and I am still home. I have unpacked some things, bought my very first bed since my divorce over a year ago and went grocery shopping. You might see it as I am adjusting, no, I think I’m just dealing at this point. I have applied for a few graphic design and photography positions but I am still not happy.

I have tried to cope and I am doing the best I can. But I have realized, my guys are leaving soon, very soon. Here I am complainging about being home on my couch while they are training to go to a war zone. Many of them would rather trade me places. I would like that also but I honestly have no reason to complain. Yes, my dream has kind of been crushed, but my friends won’t be sitting in a couch and are away from their families for a very long time. I will say, I would rather take their places though. When I’m gone, I don’t miss anyone. I love being away at training and playing Army. I realy miss my brothers and sisters in arms though or the training; I’m not sure anymore.

My feelings are all over the charts right now. I feel bad for my guys because I should be with them even though I should be happy I’m here. I don’t really know how to feel. Today I found out one of my brothers is getting sent home due to medical soon too. Me and him both WANT to be there. It’s true, the ones left behind are the ones who hurt the most. Luckily, we have each other and hopefully can do stuff for our guys from home and hang out together to have someone to talk to and deal together. We will see.

Well there’s my very long update. I am hoping to get my medical stuff started soon so I can be cleared of this whole mTBI thing and talk to someone about the PTSD stuff so I can hit another opening but for now, I will live this civilian life until the Army takes me back.

I appreciate you all who have made it through all of this. I probably should just write a novel at this point. You kids take care. I really look forward to posting again soon and love all the comments. Feel free to use your freedom of speech and let it out.

You all are amazing! Sleep tight, it’s time for me to rack out.

You kids take care!

*sigh* Decisions made

Hello Kiddies,
  My 1,000 apologies for being so dreadful with my upkeep in writing. I have barely had time to think for myself. In fact, that is why I write today.
   I am currently on the shuttle, to the airport, sending me home, against my will mind you.
  
   Last I knew, my fabulous command was doing everything in their power to send me to the desert with them. However, medical had other ideas.
   After spending a couple of days playing with giant, bomb-killing vehicles, I was told I was a No-Go until I got cleared.
   So I sign up for physical therapy, see a behavior specialist and everything to get myself cleared. Nope, not good enough. Supposedly having headaches and memory loss every day is enough for them to keep me home.

   Here is where I take issue. The headaches aren’t even remotely bad enough to keep me from doing my job or pulling my Soldiers out when we come under fire. Also, I’m not going to forget how to fire a gun or put a bandage on a joe bleeding out. That stuff is engrained in me. Heck, I was a graphic design team leader. What am I going to forget? How to use Photoshop?

   Needless to say, my temper has been close to uncontrollable lately. I couldn’t even say good-bye to my commander today for whom which I have the greatest amount of respect for.
   I just feel all my dreams are crushed. Not only can I no longer be an astronaut, I now can’t even be a gosh forsaken defender of my country. An accident, a stupid accident may have possibly ruined my career, my lifelong goals.

   Now to figure out what the hey I am going to do with the mess and where to pick up the pieces.

   Ok kids. Almost at the airport. Thanks for putting up with yet another depressing blog. I hope I can post happy thoughts soon.

You kids behave and be safe

Shall I elaborate on last night’s post? I believe so.

Last night, I explained the circumstances in which have led me to be careful about every decision and move I have made since.

Because of these things, I spent most of my childhood being very violent and self-destructive. This tends to affect every aspect of my life. I never really fought with many people other than myself and my own demons.

My hands are scarred, slight imperfections can be seen when looked at closely. There was a time where I would get razor blades and cut right on top of the knee so when my mom asked, I would just tell her I fell off my bike.

I killed a turtle once, very violently. Surprisingly, I have never forgave myself for that. I tend to keep a pet turtle when I can; actually believing that karma won’t ruin me in the end.

The anger I have built up inside has only recently been contained. I believe it was around when my ex-husband returned from his tour in Iraq. When he started hitting me. I realized I could not fight such a monster off. By then, I was just a small and weak wife. Instead of fighting, I would just sit and take it.

I have become very timid, cautious, untrusting and very sensitive over time. However, a few times a month, I go into this odd panic mode. I freak out and hate the world. I get super depressed and shut down. It’s just another self-destructive path I put myself on. I haven’t quite found my coping mechanism yet.

I used to be into photography. After my divorce, the thrill and joy it once brought me, vanished. Lately it seems only playing Army or running truly solves that. But since this stupid head injury, I can’t do those things. This leads to a lot more angry days and a lot more tears.

My decisions I have made in my life I have left me in a more miserable state than I imagined they ever would. I would have a little seven-year-old running around. I would still have a marriage. I wouldn’t be as lonely as I have been.

My dating life has been nothing short of disastrous since my divorce. I dated a guy who had a gf and even moved for him, actually thinking he would leave her for me. Who knew two weeks after moving, he would leave me? That took 6 months to get over.

I temporarily dated a civilian which was a mistake in itself. He was a great guy but civilians do not understand and can’t comprehend the distance and military life. I’m glad we are friends now.

Then there is the most recent ‘relationship’ that ended. That had to be my mid-life crisis moment (yes, at 28). He was married. I was in it for the fun. I had given up on real love. He honestly believed we were in an adult relationship. Yeah… NO!!  Here’s the thing, that wasn’t me. I’ve always been the good kid. Despite a temper, no drugs, rarely drank, etc. But just once, I had to get myself into something so terrible. And I know I should hate myself for it but I can’t, not yet. I think I’m more angry at him.

He decided to tell me he loved me. I giggled and said thanks. Yeah, I was not subtle. Since then, even out friendship has fallen apart but oh well. Let’s face it, that was a mess from the get go.

Now, I have decided to try to male things work with a guy who tells me he loves me all the time and hey, aside from me, he is single. I am hoping third time is the charm. I had a hard time giving him a chance. He is so nice. I’m used to people who were jerks. Who only used me and said sweet things to get what they want, then would bail. I may actually keep this one. I just hope my insecurities and temporary PTSD moments don’t ruin this.

Well ladies and gents. That is all for now. Our leader is taking us to the movies for our last day off for a month. I hope you enjoyed this post but I hope it doesn’t scare you away.

I appreciate you spending your time with me. I hope to see you all soon.

Good night, all!!

A long story cut as short as possible.

Hello friends and new readers,
  This one may be a little long; I hope that’s ok. I will try to keep it interesting and try to hold your attention but I can’t promise anything. The good thing is, I have plenty of time to spare to share tonight.

  I’ve been meaning to tell you the multiple reasons why I am having to write this blog. It is not an obligation per se but something I need to do, for me. Some know about me but now is my time to be open and honest, maybe I can help others through my story. I am not sure. And while I know some have been through a lot more and worse, maybe just maybe, writing this will help me too.

  I am going to do my best to quickly elaborate on why I am a little crazy, aside from the fact that I’m a female. Haha. I was diagnosed with childhood PTSD some time ago but I haven’t quite figured out if it’s a reason for how I feel or why I am the way I am; part of me just wants to justify this. I really hope this doesn’t take as long as I’m afraid it may, for your sake.

  The things I remember, a child should never have to hold onto. The memories eat me alive some days, mostly most nights. My first real memories were when I was around 3, 1986. From about then, my mom was a drunk. It was just me and her but she had her friends.

  I remember her yelling at me and going back to her room with her ‘friends’. I remember the sheets, the curtains and the toys on my bed along with hiding under my bed just to feel safe. I can still see the shadows of legs and feet coming into my room as I tucked as far under my bed and as close to the wall, as I possibly could.

  I had a wonderful friend who lived next door who made my sad days so much better. Who knew when I finally found him years later, he wouldn’t be my best friend anymore. I recall a day when my mom wasn’t drunk and Michael and I were throwing snowballs at her while she tried to clean off the car. We realized she was stockpiling her own when she attacked us back.

  I remember being taken from my mom for a while. I heard it was because she was turned in for doing drugs and drinking and abusing me but I am unsure to this day. I know the lady I stayed with was way more abusive, for some reason, I remember that.

  My mom wasn’t all bad especially once the guys were gone. She would walk me to kindergarten super early in the morning when the owls were still awake, the fog still hovered over the ground and the beautiful moon was still out. She would pick me up from school and take me for long drives just me and her, laughter and the sights, it was amazing.

  We moved countless times. When we moved to Florida, she stopped drinking and once, for my seventh birthday, she knew I was most important in her life. She didn’t buy cigarrettes. Instead she took me to a toy store and let me pick out something just for me. I still have that doll to this day, it’s been nearly 22 years. She’s in storage now because of how lost she has left me but at many times in my life, she brought me comfort.

  Ok, I am going to speed this up. Maybe oer time I can elaborate more but I really don’t want to bore you all to death.

  When we moved to Florida, my anger of all the abuse and having an absentee mommy had reached a boiling point. I myself became abusive and angry. We had been in a spouse abuse shelter after my mom had claimed that my abusive father was looking for us. (I never knew this guy because supposedly he had tried to kill her and they were divorced 6 weeks before I was born). I got beat up at school because I was little. Even my teacher abused me so I would run away all the time.

  We moved to Gainesville where we lived with one of my mom’s friends. When she was off to work, I got a babysitter, a male babysitter. It didn’t take him long to start abusing me. He would throw knives at me and once when I threw one back he said it hit him (it didn’t) and pretended he was ‘the devil’. He once had friends over and played a card game. They made this drink with a lot of stuff in it and said I lost and made me drink it. I was 9!!! Oh, it gets better. He also threw me down on the heater vent, that ripped my leg up. And worst of all, he smacked me across the face, multiple times with his back hand and forehand. My face was so bruised, I couldn’t go to school for a month.

  This lead to my first police car ride and playing with the dolls in a shrink’s office where they tell you to point out all the naughty places you were touched.

  I remember moving to another shelter after a friend of my mother’s kicked us out and we were found walking along a highway in the middle of the night. That’s when everything kicked in. My mom was still never around, she was always at work and I was still getting bullied. That’s when I started bashing my head against walls and abusing myself.

  Soon, I was off to a Children’s Home, mainly because when my mom would hit me, I would hit back, or kick. I was so angry. I couldn’t deal with the abuse anymore so I fought back.

  At the Children’s Home, I was still bullied for being small and having super short hair. I had to get beat up for looking like a boy. So much for people accepting me for me. There I learned how to play the piano, build a craddle for my baby doll and I learned what it was like to be tripped out of the school van, have a pencil shoved in my hand and to only see my mom about five times in a year. When she picked me up on my last day there, I told her, “I don’t even know you anymore.” She cried but I missed my family I made at the Children’s Home.

  Ok, still need to make this faster. Here we go, mom picked me up from the Childrens’ Home and we moved to Orlando. Here my mom had multiple friends that we lived back and forth with. Luckily, she wasn’t drinking anymore but she was always too busy working to be a mommy.

  I was sexually abused by my friend’s dad there. Then we moved again. This time closer to where we had lived when I was sent to the home before.

  I was abused yet again by my mom’s boyfriend. He was old and would always try to stick his tongue in my mouth or his hand down my shirt. I was 12. My mom of course, never believed that it was happening. But they broke up all the same. And I admit, finding out he died, didn’t hurt me at all.

  After that, my mom was single for a few years and she was an amazing mom. Despite working all the time and my severe anger issues, she did everything she could to be around and spend time with me. By then though, I was punching walls, windows, anything I could to hurt myself.

  My mom started working at this awesome seafood plant. I hate seafood but everyone there loved me and knew me as Jane’s daughter. There was this guy I thought would really love my mom and I so I got them to go out on a date. He took her out of town to a nice dinner and all. Soon, he moved in. I had a daddy figure and I was happy.

  One day, I fell off my bike after doing a trick and really busted my arm up good. It was the beginning of Spring Break and I couldn’t do anything with a messed up arm. So, mom’s bf asked me if I wanted to do a seafood run to NC with him. Of course I did, that was my home. On the drive there, I would sleep. Once I woke up with his hand in my shirt. I thought I had just dreamt it so I didn’t think anything of it. On the way back, he did it again and I knew for sure. I told him I was going to tell my mom. He begged me not to and that he would tell her I was being bad and lied. I never said anything.

  About a year or so later, I came home from school early one day because I wasn’t feeling well. I went to sleep. I didn’t know my mom was working late and that her bf was getting off early, not until I woke up and he was over me, with his hand in my private parts. I jumped up and immediately had my mom come home and my friend’s mom come pick me up. I told my mom what happened. She didn’t believe me, she believed him. She even blamed it on me. My friend’s mom came and took me away where I would stay for a very long time until I found somehere else or graduated.

   After all the times I took up for my mom with that jerk, after all the (supposed) health problems she had and all and she was taking him over me.

 

  To this day, I had a relationship with her off and on. That all ended last November when I just couldn’t forgive her or him and I couldn’t forget. The nightmares kept up and I couldn’t never shake it. It didn’t help that, 15 years later and she is STILL with him and still never believed me and could never even apologize to me. In Nivember, I couldn’t take it anymore. She faked another illness and when the doctor called me and told me to make a decision, I asked if she had a face and if he had a pillow.

  I honestly can say I feel nothing toward my own mother anymore. She ripped out my heart. Now I have severe trust and abandonment issues. I don’t cope well and I am depressed all the time. I was married for 6 years but because of all of this and the uncontrollable fear of having children, it ended. Every move I make, every decision I decide, is because of what they did.

  Luckily, my military family, my ex and his dad and my half-brother who was born WAY before me and their dad, are there for me now. I found my half-brother and sister some 6 or so years ago. I have a nephew too. My mom told me all the horrible stories about their dad as she had told me about mine. But, for the first time a week ago, I finally got to meet him in person. He IS my daddy and I could never love anyone as much as I love him.

  He drove 3 hours to spend a 1 hour dinner with me. It took him 8 hours to get home after his truck breaking down. And he still tells me it was worth it because he finally got to hold his little one and tell her that he loved her. I have a very unorthidox family but I have one all the same.

  While depression creeps up on me often, I have the people who never leave my side and who I wouldn’t trade for anything.

  Well kids, I believe that is all for tonight. I have the day off tomorrow so I may write ya some more then. I thank you for spending your time with me and reading this. It feels so good to get it all out and not be scared to share with everyone.

   I hope you all the best!