Hello my lovely readers. I apologize for not writing you in some time. While I could make a million excuses, we know if you’ve read my blog over a period of time, this happens now and then. The past few weeks have had their ups and downs, sometimes extremes. This is the life of living with this I suppose.
Anyway, I hope this blog is informative. I believe people try to understand and treat what they know yet don’t listen thoroughly making it difficult for them to truly understand. This leads to conversations, meetings and appointments only going in circles which to be quite frank, I am pretty darn tired of.
I’m nearing on 4 years since I suffered my TBI. Still, anytime I approach about ongoing symptoms, I am told it is stress and/or PTSD. Right now, I am putting it all out there. I’m not holding anything back which I have apparently been doing.
This all stems from what was supposed to be a meeting with my WHOLE TBI team and Chris. He was supposed to be able to talk about what he sees daily and how things are at home. It did not end up that way. Instead, he was lead into saying things against me and not on my side. I was not angry at him. He tried. Yet it was put in his head over and over again, it is all stress/PTSD related. It didn’t help 2/3 of the team was not there because let’s face it, I doubt they want to see me. I understand things come up but things seem to always come up. I wonder if they are just pissed someone is fighting them. And that is fine with me. I’m tired of fighting and trying with them when all they want to do is medicate. Medicating fixes nothing; it only covers pain and symptoms. This leads to medication dependency, depression and who knows what else. I will not be a part of that any longer.
If they refuse to see me and work with me on finding results or other alternatives, then that’s on them. They do what the VA allows and refuse to look outside the box or send me somewhere who will work with me.
I’m getting off track. I explained what happened with the meeting above. In the meeting, I was getting red hot. It took everything I had not to flip the desk and walk. If it was not for Chris, I may have. He would try to have my back and I would try to speak up for myself. Yet we were interrupted and he was lead into being manipulated against me. This will not stand. It isn’t fair to him or anyone. He had tried so hard but was walked all over as was I. How are we supposed to learn to accept this life and live with it if no one listens? I was screaming internally. All I have wanted all this time is for someone to hear my screams. Needless to say, we walked out of this “team” meeting with zero results or help. Instead we were told I should do the same crap I’ve been doing since I first saw them and let’s see, take more meds. This is unacceptable for people who are fighting to have a normal life without medication and who is not abusing the system. This is just another example of the VA failing veterans and patients.
Veterans and service members’ lives matter as much as anyone else. We will take bullets or gunner’s hatches to the skull for people. We go out of our way, risk our lives and the VA refuses to look outside the box to help service members.
I’ve kept my mouth closed because I worked for the VA and I’ve tried to have faith in my team. But after the meeting, I realized this is getting nowhere and they truly don’t listen. People wonder why veteran suicides are so high, look at what they come home to. Support is close to nil. Its whatever the VA/government wants and that’s it. If you can’t afford outside care, you might as well kiss any support on picking up your life and fixing it, goodbye.
When Chris and I walked out of the meeting, we drove and walked. As I drove with tear-filled, red, puffy eyes, I couldn’t tell if I was crying because I was heartbroken or angry. I’m blessed to have a true supportive gentleman behind me. I let loose everything I was feeling that I wasn’t allowed to say during the meeting. I tell you now.
My headaches aren’t always caused by stress, reading or writing. While they take their toll, they aren’t the only things causing it. Want to know how I know this? Because despite wanting to flip the desk and walk in a fit of Hulk-like rage and reading and writing in class yesterday, I DIDN’T HAVE ONE STINKING HEADACHE! As I’ve told them before and as Chris tried to tell them, they are either there or they come and go. Sometimes they are gradual going from a 1-3-5 or they can shoot from a 1-8 in an instant. This is what they aren’t listening to. And they aren’t always migraine headaches. Sometimes they are, heck, probably most of the time. Yet sometimes they still hurt where I was hit. Sometimes I feel like the sides of my head are being crushed by a vice. Let’s not listen to the person trying to explain what they feel though. Many times, I wish they could suffer multiple concussions so they could experience what not just I, but other vets go through.
There was one thing I was told which set me off completely. I don’t remember what it was but it’s probably good I don’t remember. I don’t understand how people could be so blind and/or just refuse to look into something. Yes, my MRIs come up clear. Anyone who truly studies concussions/TBI know that’s the case 80% of the time. It doesn’t mean there is not other imaging out there. But wait, it’s all the VA does and of course, will not send people out for further research or analysis.
I’ve tried telling them a million times how I felt. I tell them I still have memory and recall problems. I’m told I did well on the testing. Of course I did. I’ve used a computer since kindergarten and picking colors and numbers is easy. Give me a story to read or information to recall and my mind is empty. We tried to tell them I’m still clumsy. Ok so nothing is wrong with my ears. That’s great. Want to make a more difficult test than walking around a shoe? Try having me walk through a doorway where I run into it. Or watch me get into my car and watch me hit my head every time. The only time I can clear a door is a giant truck. Even Chris has noticed something is off.
The orb in my eye ball is nothing. My vision is close to perfect as the opthalmologist doesn’t see it. Great. Tell me why it’s been there a year now and doesn’t exactly follow my eye movements, it’s slower but I see it. The 24/7 tinnitus and floater makes me crazy. Yes, music drowns it out and I can live with it. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me want to stab my eardrums with a sharp pencil. That’s if it is inner ear at all.
I’ve been sleeping great, pretty hard actually thanks to pain meds. With no pain when I lay my head down, I can sleep. It’s the only reason I can’t sleep. Yes, I have nightmares but what normal human being doesn’t?
With that being said, I do not need to rehash what happened to me growing up. Yes, I was raped, sexually assaulted, beaten, almost murdered and abandoned. Guess what? I’m ok, really. Yes people who have had those things happen, have turned out to be horrible people. I did not. I became better because of it. I knew I was not going to let it run/ruin my life. Yes, sometimes I have bad dreams, sometimes I have bad days where I stare into space. However, I grew up to be successful in the military, school and my personal life, until I suffered this head injury.
I’ve been told repeatedly it cracked the memories open like an egg. It may have. But the memories aren’t what is messing with me; it is the blasted headaches and symptoms from getting hit. I’ve been told I need to talk about these things so I can get through them. I have gotten through them. I’m not repressing anything. I’ve emptied my mind and soul on here, to neuropsych and Chris.
There’s a difference between repressing and moving on. I’m told all the time these are stressors in my life. Here’s the thing, they really aren’t. I have used my life experiences to make me a better person, help others. It does suck they happened; but I could let them control my life and keep me depressed all the time or I can think about them and think about how I survived them. I’m not a victim. I’m a warrior. I’ve survived more than a normal person should have in 32 years. I have a great boyfriend and goals. Why would I let my past ruin that? Why do I need to open up old wounds only to truly suffer from the PTSD to the max? I’m going to have good days and bad days as we all do. My life will never be 100% but I’ve accepted that and so has Chris and he has stated a million times despite my numerous efforts to push him away, he is not going anywhere. So please tell me why I need to talk about things which will only put me in a bad place. How about letting me move on positively? If I have a bad day, I will talk about it. If I am having a good day, why ruin it with reliving my insane childhood when it could potentially not only ruin my relationship but me?
It’s bad enough I have some emotional barriers because of it and I’m going to most likely live with these headaches forever. Don’t make good days bad or bad days worse. Here’s the thing, my head could be hurting around 8-9, yet when he allows me to lay my head on his lap, I’m still the happiest I’ve been in years. That’s a good thing, right? All I need help with is the blasted headaches so I can go to and enjoy school and work a job I will love to support our family. Why is that so much to ask for? I’m ok with the not perfect life but it should as close to it as possible. Happiness is what gives us long life. Anxiety and stress only raise the chances of suffering heart attacks or strokes. I don’t want that. For once in my life, I want to have kids and grow old with my love.
I’m sorry if that was depressing kids but it had to be said. I do not know at this time if I will continue trying to talk the VA into actually giving a crap. I may take a break. I may just say screw it, refile comp and pen and try to have the best life possible. While I would rather have no injury, no comp and pen and the career as a cop, it doesn’t seem possible, not even in the distant future. So here is to living the best life possible with the one person who truly loves me through thick and thin, good or bad, sickness and health, as I will him forever.
I will still participate in TBI activities where I can continue to help others but only time will tell if I will continue seeking help myself. Helping others brings me happiness and as good of health as possible. Wallowing in my own sorrows leads to nowhere.
Well there’s that. All my readers, you are wonderful and I always look forward to and anxiously wait to write you.
I hope you all have an amazing Friday and a beautiful weekend.
Stay safe in all you do and live every day as if it were your last!
XOXO
The Life of a Phoenix 