Just can’t make up their minds

Hello all,
I know how much we all love getting good news, right? I got some yesterday and while I am trying to hold onto it for as long as I can, the Army has changed their minds on this about 12 times so far. I try not to get my hopes up becasue I know they could change their minds againin minutes.

My new E7 walked in and we were tlaking about all the people going home. Here is how it went.
Me: *whiney like a little kid* I don’t want to go home.
Him: You’re not going home. You’re going to (undisclosed location) with me.

Of course me and all of my glory, was so giddy that he even said it, I am sure I nearly peed my pants.

Then while riding to the PX, someone asked me if I was going. Before I could answer, my CPT piped in with “You’re going!”

So the moral of the story, I guess as of right now, I’m going to the desert. While this should terrify me, I am so excited that I finally get to go after 9 years, being stuck on Rear D and being injured.

Speaking of injury, I am so lucky. My new E7 has had the concussion/TBI thing himself so he understands how I feel but is willing to help me push through everything to the best of my ability. I’m really excited that I have someone who knows what this is like and is willing to fight for me and stand up with me and help me accomplish my goals.

I haven’t had headaches in two days. I’m not going to get too excited yet. Last time I did that, I pushed myself and they ended up starting up again, twice as bad. So for now, I am going to take it easy and see how it goes. My body is super weak from not being able to do all the physical training I am used to and from being broken down for a while. As soon as my head is ready, I have a lot of strength training to work on.

It’s about that time to go grab some breakfast. I am sure I will know more throughout the day and I will do my best to keep this thing updated. Let’s face it, this blog isn’t just about my Army life but about my personal life too. I prbably should start elaborating on the craziness of it.

I hope you all have a fabulous day and thanks again for spending a little time with me!

New developments all around

So, I am going to attempt to write this has my very first blog via android phone. I apologize in advance for the many errors I am sure are going to come from this. But I honestly feel like being outside and enjoying the weather as I write tonight.

Today has been, well, interesting to say the least. It started off with being woken up abruptly to learn I was going to weapons training bright and early. This wouldn’t be an issue if I were prepared and had showered and eaten first. But nope, I barely had time to get dressed and run. Needless to say, that left for a very cranky Kadie.

As the day started, my ex-leader decided he was going to tell me, now I’m not going home. See, this would be fine, if these people would just make up their minds. Stop going back and forth on me. There is only so much a girl can take. The see-saw effect needs to stop.

Being a sufferer of the issues that I do have, as Robert Downey Jr. in Due Date would say, I was seeing red. I lost it. Here’s the deal, a few times a month, I go into panic mode and shut down. When this happens, I tend to want to Hulk Smash everything around me and can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. So, I did this on someone higher ranking than myself. The conversation when I may or may not have said something along the lines of, “You know what? I don’t even want to be in the Army anymore. I don’t care. I’m done!” (Add a few swear words in select places.)

Now, if you’re following my blog, you probably know I didn’t mean what I said. I was just freaked out by the constant unknown.

*Wow, just had a sit down with my commander in the middle of writing my blog. Things are way more clear now and I am really seeing what it is like to have a great commander on my side and helping me through this.

Here’s the update then I am going to hit the rack. Maybe tomorrow I can elaborate more. Let’s make this quick, eh?

I may get to go to my undisclosed ao.  My medical will still be taken care of but from a different angle. It’s at least a new option I can be stoked about. I may get to heal and still go. I just have to take it easy and do what needs to be done medically. Luckily, I also found that the WTU near my home is actually a good one. So now things are a little more clear. If I don’t go home next weekend though, I’m going to leave my apartment and move on with my new path.

I’m definitely more happy now and less likely to freak out and snap anytime soon. I have more news but I definitely thi k I need to sleep for now. I will update you kids more later. The head hurts and I’ve been kind of dizzy today so this kid needs to relax.

Until tomorrow, friends. Enjoy your evening.

How come it hurts even though I knew it was coming?

Today I came back to the barracks to realize, I’m no longer in my section and no longer a team leader. I think that’s the part that hurts the most. All I have ever wanted is to lead Soldiers and take care of them. I walk in to see my team with their new leader and at chow, I notice no one even asks if I want to go or even acknowledge my existence really for that matter.

See, here’s the thing. I knew this was going to happen. I mean with an injury like this, not being able to go to war with my Soldiers just yet, was to be expected. I think I just wasn’t expecting it to happen so quickly. I haven’t even figure out what I’m going to do when I get home yet.

I’ve been given two options but one just seems to be compltely out of the question, not just becasue it may not get approved but because of the horrendous conditions it entails.

That option is going to something called a Warrior Transition Unit (WTU). The deal with those are through research and other people’s accounts of these places, they are merely places to send Soldiers they believe are using the military and riding the medical system or people “who never should have been enlisted in the first place.” Now don’t get me wrong, they do treat Soldiers with severe injuries from deployments. However, Soldiers have been known to sit there from 3-12 months and only going to appointments a few times a month. So these poor Soldiers sit in their bunks, suffering not only from their injuries but PTSD, boredom, etc.I am terrified to go to these places. But, I could heal and get on another deployment. *ponders* While my bills we be taken care of, would my sanity?

The other option, go home, get a civilian job and try to start a new life. The thing is, I’ve had a good job, I’ve gone to college. All I want to be when I grow up is a Soldier. I have plenty of experience in a few different jobs and some may even make me happy if I do them part-time or temporarily. Nothing makes me happier than serving but what the heck do I do? I mean I could go home and put my medical through VA, get it taken care of and move on. But will my happiness be fulfilled?

 

So that is my day. It doesn’t help the depression is creeping in like a light fog, getting thicker the later it gets. I miss some very dear people in my life. While I have a super great support system even a little that is a surprsie and came out of nowhere, the heart still hurts being single and going through this.

Now to see if I can sleep. With a head injury, you normally have to sleep a lot. While throughout the day after cups of coffee, I am still tired, I just don’t sleep as much as I should.

Well, thanks for reading, kids. Thanks for putting up with a few days in between posts. Sometimes, I need a break to sort through my thoughts and to cope. You all take care and I will see you soon!

Not easier, yet.

Another long day passes. Again, I had to be left behind because I can’t participate in the training happening. I love the training everyone had the chance to go through. Instead I stayed in my bunk, cleaned and organized and relayed information about our Command Sergeant Major being here.

I have so many feelings running through my head and there are so many different circumstances and outcomes.

I have found myself getting depressed. I long and have a need but they are all in different directions and I’m not sure where to go.

Because of the bad in my life, I don’t trust as easily which leads to lonliness and that doesn’t help with the depression. I have amazing friends and great role models that I look up to and that help me out. The encouraging words are greatly appreciated. The big brother figures who get upset at me because they care about my well-being even when at times I take my job over my own life.

The hardest thing, I have someone who tells me they miss me and such and that’s great, but it’s not going anywhere. And yet, I miss the embrace of someone that I was once close to but am not anymore. For some reason, I can feel them holding me tight even though they’re not here and not keeping me safe anymore. They made me happy and comfortable, now I have to do it without them. Other people are here but he isn’t. If he was, I’m not sure if we would talk anyways, but I can’t help but want to feel him hold me one more time.

Oi, I need to write earlier. Time for bed for now. I will try to do this earlier tomorrow. Good night, all!

The Beginning

My instructor once told me that blogs were supposed to be short and sweet and about one topic. So here it is; this is about mostly one thing, but most likely, definitely won’t be short. I am using this more as an online jourmal on the craziness of being a Soldier, a civilian and a woman in general.

I suffer from childhood PTSD and recently diagnosed with a minor TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) after a simple accident while on duty. Unfortunately, the TBI is keeping me from doing the one thing I have wanted for 9 years, the one thing I have spent my whole career training for, my deployment.

The PTSD doesn’t affect my daily life as much as it does Soldier’s lives after a military incident; however, it is enough to affect my life and every decision I make. It affects my outlook on things and my trust levels.

The TBI on the other hand, has affected everything presently. I am a perspective team leader. I have three Soldiers that work with me. We are graphic designers and apart of special ops. I love my job and I love my Soldiers. I have trained with them and lead them. Now, my position may be taken because of an accident. My ‘kids’ may have to go without the leader they have worked with. While this may make them happy because I can sometimes be a hardass, I fear the worst and I won’t be there.

I’m a little lost but at least with guidance, friendship and new doors opening, I may just get through this. Time for bed for now but I will explain this in more detail tomorrow I’m sure.

Good night, readers.