No longer apologetic

Hi kids. I’m just going to write a quick post and throwing it all out there.

For the past year I have had two great providers and one who really hasn’t given a crap. If it doesn’t go by the book or the VA way, it isn’t possible. For the longest time I have been apologizing for annoying my providers.

I am no longer apologizing for wanting a normal, healthy life.

Living with a TBI is difficult. It’s even more difficult for those around me.

Right now I am missing work and fighting through pain to write this in bed, under my covers. The whirling sounds are causing such severe nausea and headaches, I have to fight vomiting.

My boss told me to talk to my docs, go to an ER or something. I no longer trust the people I should have been able to. I am tired of being pushed off, told there is nothing wrong.

Want to know what isn’t wrong? Standing up for your health when you know your life is different. I went from being the best soldier I could be to bailing on work because getting out of bed hurts.

Yes there are people who abuse the system for financial gain, etc. Not once have a fought for more compensation. What I have fought for is to understand and get better.

I have requested meetings, done tons of research, not just for me but so I can help others.

I am very blessed to have loved ones keeping my brain busy and keeping me happy during the dark days. I want to be better for them too.

Sometimes I want to ask these civilian doctors do they have any idea. Yeah I am sure they wake up with the flu and not want to go to work. But do they truly know how it feels to be terrified of the nightmares when they close their eyes? Do they know how it feels to wish they were asleep somewhere, this is all a terrible nightmare and someone would wake them up?

This is reality however. I have goals I want to accomplish. There are jobs I want to do. I want to ride roller coasters again and shoot guns again. I want to have a happy life and future with my amazing boyfriend without him worrying every time I don’t feel well.

I am no longer letting someone’s rules dictate my life and me getting what and to where I want in life. I may be down some days but when I’m up, I will be the best I can be.

That is all for now my amazing friends who still read three years later and to the new readers who know they aren’t alone.

I will catch up with you soon.

Be safe, wear a helmet and wrap yourself in bubble wrap.

The Beginning

My instructor once told me that blogs were supposed to be short and sweet and about one topic. So here it is; this is about mostly one thing, but most likely, definitely won’t be short. I am using this more as an online jourmal on the craziness of being a Soldier, a civilian and a woman in general.

I suffer from childhood PTSD and recently diagnosed with a minor TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) after a simple accident while on duty. Unfortunately, the TBI is keeping me from doing the one thing I have wanted for 9 years, the one thing I have spent my whole career training for, my deployment.

The PTSD doesn’t affect my daily life as much as it does Soldier’s lives after a military incident; however, it is enough to affect my life and every decision I make. It affects my outlook on things and my trust levels.

The TBI on the other hand, has affected everything presently. I am a perspective team leader. I have three Soldiers that work with me. We are graphic designers and apart of special ops. I love my job and I love my Soldiers. I have trained with them and lead them. Now, my position may be taken because of an accident. My ‘kids’ may have to go without the leader they have worked with. While this may make them happy because I can sometimes be a hardass, I fear the worst and I won’t be there.

I’m a little lost but at least with guidance, friendship and new doors opening, I may just get through this. Time for bed for now but I will explain this in more detail tomorrow I’m sure.

Good night, readers.