Checking In

Hello, kids. Sorry I haven’t been around. We all know I’m not so good at keeping up with this lately. It isn’t I don’t want to. Sometimes I just don’t have anything to say but also I haven’t wanted to drive to the park to write. Still haven’t gotten over the accident in May and I really haven’t enjoyed driving since.

I tell you this because it all plays together with everything else going on.

Everyone keeps asking how’s school going. I answer enthusiastically, saying how great it’s going, how much I love my classes. I’m still lying and Chris (and now you) is (are) the only one who knows the truth. I wouldn’t know how great my classes were last semester because I didn’t really get to go and I failed the whole semester. Yep, I failed every class.

The first dilemma was my car has some issues at first. Then I was too scared to drive the 45-60 minute drive to school. Then don’t forget about the sweet headaches which still plague me all the time.

Last semester was a bust. It stinks because I REALLY want to go to school. I do. I want to succeed and I want to feel like I have actually accomplished something since the stupid mtbi happened. Yet it all feels so far out of reach.

I don’t tell people the truth because I don’t want to seem like a failure. I don’t want to let people down. I don’t want people to thinking not trying; because I really am. The worse I feel though, less gets done which leads to being depressed. It’s a vicious cycle.

On January 4th, I started a 14 day art & architecture class. I was stoked. I had studied this stuff before so there was no way it was going to be hard. You would think. I was wrong. The first week of class was great. I finished all my assignments on time and I had a wonderful grade. One assignment took longer than it was supposed to and I turned it in the day before it was due. Then we had a BIG project.

I was so excited for the project. I already knew my topic and had my books open to the pages, ready to go. I just stared. I stared at the computer monitor, for hours. I know it seems impossible but I seriously sat there staring for hours. It was almost like writer’s block but my brain froze. I couldn’t think of anything. I couldn’t read the books and the web page and put it into my own words on the computer. Needless to say the project is due in 2 hours and I am writing this.

You’re probably thinking to yourself I could be doing it right now. Here’s the thing. It consists of two 1,000 word essays and two 500 word essays. There’s no way it could get finished when I’m still stuck on the first sentence of the first essay.

This comes easy. This is me pouring out my soul and not staring at a computer screen or books. I can’t sit and stare at words. I don’t even really read these when I’m done. I proofread once or twice and it’s done. I can’t stare at words for a long period of time.

Here’s where this is a problem. My next semester started yesterday, four classes. Only one class is in person and the other three are online because I don’t want to drive to the school more than once a week. When did I become such a wuss?

Now I am taking classes I know I will have a hard time with. I don’t have a choice though. Want to know why? Because it pays my bills, even if I fail. I have to go to school or work to survive. I have a hard time with both.

I have a hard time failing. I was never a failure until this happened. That’s why I was a successful soldier. Nearly 4 years and I still can’t accept who I am. I can’t accept I will not be able to always accompish what I want in life. I know I can’t be a soldier or a police officer. I know I can’t go out and play summer sports. Now I don’t know if I can fully work and/or go to school.

Don’t read me wrong. I don’t HATE my life. I have a super great boyfriend who holds me when I’m crying and tells me I will never let him down; he knows I’m trying. We have a lot of good times together. He makes the days worth living when just over a year ago, I didn’t think they were. 

He keeps my brain busy and less stressed out. The past 3 months, I didn’t go to class. I still got paid to fail, luckily, so my bills were paid but I didn’t do much of anything. While to some it seems like a dream come true, I was miserable. I’m a worker bee. I hate sitting around; but school hurt and working did too.

After the car accident in May, I only went to work a total of two weeks. My head hurt looking at the screen all the time. What the heck do I do? How am I supposed to have a life and take care of things when my head hurts all the time? I know people tell me to suck it up. But everyone knows what a headache is like. Think about that. Make it a 7 or even an 8 and imagine it every day. It’s not easy to suck it up.

I’ve had ankle surgery, been stabbed in the hand and I always went full soldier. I didn’t care. I pushed through. That’s what soldiers do. I can’t push through these. I can take pain, but not this. I often find myself too nauseous and hurting too bad to get out of bed.

A bonus is I have learned to truly take advantage of the good days. Chris got me a basketball for Christmas so I’ve gone out and played with him, once. I can’t let the good days pass me by. They are rare. I have to rock them. Sometimes on good days, I joke about going snowboarding or playing hockey. He won’t let me. He knows I will hurt myself. I don’t hold back at all when it comes to sports.

That’s the person I am on the inside. I’m the girl who loaded a military truck by herself for the field for two weeks because people were complaining and going to slow. I’m the girl who with a cast on her leg stood in formation because it’s where I belonged. I’m the girl who jumped out of a van and ran to a soldier when they needed help, not long after my ankle surgery (after I had just finished the obstacle course myself). I’m the girl who kept pushing to get deployed after I got my mtbi.

I’m truly blessed to have Chris. I won’t lie. He’s an amazing man who is truly understanding. With him, everything is fun. He even helped pick out the stupid hearing aid I need now on my right ear. His response was, “Even babies need hearing aids.” Seriously in love with my future husband. I just wish I could do more for him, contribute more.

Well that’s all for now, kids. I better get home and start on all the other homework. I at least have to make an effort. I am to into this semester to completely fail.

Take care and wear a helmet. Be safe in all you do.

Haven’t discussed this in a while

Hey there, kiddos. I’m going to write this with cold hands so beware of spelling and grammar errors. I have been avoiding really talking bout this for some time. I have been trying so hard to move on from it, I haven’t been confronting it.

So here we go.

I have only talked about my TBI a little bit because it’s daunting. The struggle is difficult to handle not only for myself but the people around me. It’s anxiety, chronic pain, loss of motivation, feelings of loss, memory and feedback problems, not knowing if I want to be out and about or if I want to sit on the couch all day. We can’t forget fight or flight. Since I’m not a fighter much anymore, I want to bail.

Poor Chris deals with this everyday. Luckily when we became friends nearly a year ago, he knew what he was getting into and still chose to make a commitment to me. He doesn’t necessarily take care of me but he has made my, um, can’t think of it but my life better. He has been extremely patient and so loving. But I feel bad for the guy. I guess I’m not too bad most off the time because he never sees the bad like I do.

Here’s an example. If you have followed my blog a while, you would know in July 2014, the guy I was seeing was killed in a motorcycle accident. I didn’t find out until a few days later, on Facebook. Because of all the losses, my anxiety sucks to be frank.

Where Chris comes in is when I haven’t heard from him. My brain goes into this absurd panic mode. He always let’s me know when he is safely at work and when he’s on his way home. (I had told Rafael not to be late for work and never heard from him again). Chris is amazing. I always have to apologize for asking if he’s ok. He never hesitates to reassure me.

The thing about the panic mode is it is messy on the brain. I start to wonder if he was in an accident so I start checking the news or Twitter to see if anything was going on. This is absurd! I hate I can’t control these emotions. I’m very blessed it doesn’t phase him at all. He tells me he understands and it is ok to worry. How did I get so lucky?

Since I have him now, losing him seems inconceivable. So many people have given up on me or bailed since this last concussion. I can’t lie, I know it’s hard to handle. He has stuck around even through the worst of it. He once told me to ask the VA if he could be my caregiver. I don’t necessarily need it but I saw he was in it for the long haul.

Now the holidays are coming around and my anxiety is so much worse. I haven’t happily celebrated the holidays in years. Now I’m always happy. I decorated our tree. I’ve been doing Christmas crafts. It’s crazy. I’m seeing a whole nother side of me, a way better side. I laugh and even giggle a lot now. Giggling! Me!

It was only a year ago I hated life, wanted to be single forever and didn’t want to burden anyone with this. Then he came along and I can’t imagine life without him. I used to hate being around people. I definitely couldn’t be around one person longer than a couple of days. Now I miss him when he’s at work. This is crazy.

Luckily we aren’t dependent on each other at all but it’s great always having my best friend when I need and want him.

A year ago, I couldn’t feel emotions. I would try to be sad and love but I couldn’t. For two years I was an emotionless robot. Now I feel everything.

With all that being said, I am nearly paranoid of losing him especially to an accident. We have plans. We have talked about our wedding, our home, how we would raise our kids. Neither of us felt this way before. I never wanted kids with my ex husband. I can’t wait to have a family with Chris.

I didn’t think it was possible to feel this way. We have rushed a few things but taken everything else at an old school, classy pace.

I mean, come on. When we went to the Avalanche game, the lights and sounds rocked my head. He asked if I wanted to go home and of course that was a big, “No.” Instead he let me lay my head on his shoulder while we watched the game, pushing his hoodie hood over so I had a pillow. He may seem like a tough guy but he’s my sweetheart.

This TBI has done a crazy number on my life. I always begged for a reason why it happened to me, a Soldier who loved the Army more than anything. Now I have my reason and now I love SOMEONE more than anything.

I’m raving about this so much because I had given up on a happy life. Everyday was fighting the urge to end it. Who wants to live like this forever? It’s painful and lonely. You see why so many athletes do it. It could be the brain disease or it could be the misery which comes from it. Few people truly know.

If you’re suffering, you can’t give up. I had to keep scheduling hockey games and concerts to have something to look forward to for years until Chris came along. They are a lot more fun now, with him.

There are people who may not understand exactly how you’re feeling but people who are willing to walk through the dark and light paths with you. There are things to live for.

Sometimes, some people and some things are worth baring the pain for. And they can even take it away. You just have to give them and yourself the chance.

That is all for now, kids. My hands are red and frozen. 🙂

Take care and wear a helmet!

Lots of love.

Holiday Happiness

Hello kids. I apologize it has taken me a while to get to you. As we all know, the holidays can be positively overwhelming. We have been busy.

We are anxiously planning for our Christmas trip back to his hometown to see his family. We had planned to see mine so they could meet him but since they decided to ignore anything I sent them for Thanksgiving, I decided not to. I’ve made all the effort. My sister was 40 minutes away and couldn’t even tell me. So I’m not driving 14 hours down there. I’ve learned family is people who show you they love you always.

On a way more positive note, we are visiting with my dad (ex father in law) Sunday. It’s super great when they are excited to see each other. That’s family. We always make an effort to see each other even if it is only for a little while.

I’m going to depress you a little bit right here but I promise to bring it back so hold on tight.

Not long ago, an Army buddy of mine was arrested for killing his wife. Many of us have tried to pick it apart, justify it. Maybe it was self defense, maybe he snapped. Unfortunately it isn’t looking good either way.

Here’s the thing. A lot of us saw him as a hard ass NCO but a good guy. I remember when we were doing an exercise and he could have shot me in the back. Instead he tapped my shoulder, told me I was dead because my rear security all ran away. Good looking out for your NCO, Joe. I also remember the time I got super drunk and went swimming, in my clothes. We all went up to our room and I couldn’t stop shaking. I fell asleep on the couch. He got a ton of blankets and covered me. He didn’t just cover me, he tucked me in. That’s the person we saw.

I try not to think about it but I know many people we care about have dark sides we don’t see. I never thought my friend would kill himself because of how much he loved his son. Unfortunately, he did. We can’t always see it. Sometimes they wear their masks well. I like to think it was self defense but I know I may have to come to terms he snapped and actually murdered her, some day.

For a long time, I had my own dark side. I’ve been blessed with Chris because I have nearly no dark days anymore. Yes, I get mad, sad; but I’ve also found extreme happiness. I never thought I would be able to remove my mask and be myself. I’ve removed the happy mask but where a frown used to sit everyday, sits a smile.

It’s not easy to admit when you have a problem and need help. Some people don’t even recognize they have a problem. I saw how I was feeling was not the person I used to be. I have worked hard to change it. Life isn’t perfect. It never will be. However, I am making it better.

I have had the last discussion with my neuropsychologist for a while. I told them until we have a team meeting, I will not continue treatment through them. I’m still waiting.

The headaches come and go, some worse than others. Last night, we went to an Avalanche game. This brings me so much joy. If we are having a bad week and watch hockey, it’s like the bad week didn’t happen. My team may have lost but I got to see my favorite player score so it was a win for me.

The downside was by second period, my head hurt badly and felt fuzzy. The life of multiple concussions can ruin even the grandest of things. The flashing lights, the loud sounds and the quick movements of the puck and the players racked my poor brain.

I’m getting my ears retested on Monday. Hopefully we can figure out the tinnitus thing. I’m getting more anxious to get some resolution to these headaches. I’m taking 16 credits next semester.

I am really excited because they are classes I know I can excel in with a little help. I want to accomplish so much but feel as if I am still being held back by this. The story of post concussion syndrome always going away can’t be right. We are nearing on year 4 of this madness.

It’s annoying not being able to remember common words, messing up letters and words. The stuttering, oh how the stuttering gets old. Chris tries so hard not to tease me but can’t stop himself at times. I don’t blame him because I smile. I am normally smiling though, because it’s better than crying every time it happens. The teasing does make me sad at times however. He knows and that is why he has gotten better about it. But if he has to fight it, how am I supposed to give oral reports and not be terrified?

The many questions that keep running through my head. I try to stay positive about it though. Today I read a fabulous quote from Nietzsche, “The advantage of a bad memory is that one can enjoy the same good things for the first time several times.” Brilliantly positive.

Here’s the thing, I don’t even remember what Duchene’s goal looks like now. I know Chris didn’t think it went in but I was already up screaming. I forget so many little and BIG things. I was once told it was because I am aging. I’m barely over 30!! You don’t have the memory of a 70 year old at 30 without something going on neurologically.

Enough about that. It’s a depressing subject. Time to move on to something more positive.

The other day, we had a bad day, just a lot was going on. He had a rough day at work and I didn’t feel well. So I made us dinner and we went out to look at Christmas lights. In doing so the conversation turned to wanting to do our own yard next year. That conversation led me to say, “I want to buy a house by next year.” We had been tossing around the idea for some time. Now it appears we are more serious.

With thoughts like that come thoughts such as, “Wait. Can I work?” “Will I be able to financially do this when I struggle with my schooling and job?” I’m not really sure but I do know I have to make it happen. I don’t know how but it is now my new goal.

I had to toss the thoughts of being a police officer or even going back to the military. Now I have no idea what my future holds. I just know I want us to share a home we can call our own, very soon.

Well kids, it’s about time to call my walk done. I have an appt with my amazing speech pathologist here in a little bit. Hopefully my next blog will render good news of three different things. I cant give a lot of detail yet but I will say one has to do with brain retraining and one is maybe the possible use of one of my photos. Exciting!

If I can’t get back to you until after, have a Merry Christmas and Jolly Holidays.

Be safe and for goodness sakes, wear a helmet! 🙂

Take care, kiddos!

What people don’t understand

Hello my lovely readers. I apologize for not writing you in some time. While I could make a million excuses, we know if you’ve read my blog over a period of time, this happens now and then. The past few weeks have had their ups and downs, sometimes extremes. This is the life of living with this I suppose.

Anyway, I hope this blog is informative. I believe people try to understand and treat what they know yet don’t listen thoroughly making it difficult for them to truly understand. This leads to conversations, meetings and appointments only going in circles which to be quite frank, I am pretty darn tired of.

I’m nearing on 4 years since I suffered my TBI. Still, anytime I approach about ongoing symptoms, I am told it is stress and/or PTSD. Right now, I am putting it all out there. I’m not holding anything back which I have apparently been doing.

This all stems from what was supposed to be a meeting with my WHOLE TBI team and Chris. He was supposed to be able to talk about what he sees daily and how things are at home. It did not end up that way. Instead, he was lead into saying things against me and not on my side. I was not angry at him. He tried. Yet it was put in his head over and over again, it is all stress/PTSD related. It didn’t help 2/3 of the team was not there because let’s face it, I doubt they want to see me. I understand things come up but things seem to always come up. I wonder if they are just pissed someone is fighting them. And that is fine with me. I’m tired of fighting and trying with them when all they want to do is medicate. Medicating fixes nothing; it only covers pain and symptoms. This leads to medication dependency, depression and who knows what else. I will not be a part of that any longer.

If they refuse to see me and work with me on finding results or other alternatives, then that’s on them. They do what the VA allows and refuse to look outside the box or send me somewhere who will work with me.

I’m getting off track. I explained what happened with the meeting above. In the meeting, I was getting red hot. It took everything I had not to flip the desk and walk. If it was not for Chris, I may have. He would try to have my back and I would try to speak up for myself. Yet we were interrupted and he was lead into being manipulated against me. This will not stand. It isn’t fair to him or anyone. He had tried so hard but was walked all over as was I. How are we supposed to learn to accept this life and live with it if no one listens? I was screaming internally. All I have wanted all this time is for someone to hear my screams. Needless to say, we walked out of this “team” meeting with zero results or help. Instead we were told I should do the same crap I’ve been doing since I first saw them and let’s see, take more meds. This is unacceptable for people who are fighting to have a normal life without medication and who is not abusing the system. This is just another example of the VA failing veterans and patients.

Veterans and service members’ lives matter as much as anyone else. We will take bullets or gunner’s hatches to the skull for people. We go out of our way, risk our lives and the VA refuses to look outside the box to help service members.

I’ve kept my mouth closed because I worked for the VA and I’ve tried to have faith in my team. But after the meeting, I realized this is getting nowhere and they truly don’t listen. People wonder why veteran suicides are so high, look at what they come home to. Support is close to nil. Its whatever the VA/government wants and that’s it. If you can’t afford outside care, you might as well kiss any support on picking up your life and fixing it, goodbye.

When Chris and I walked out of the meeting, we drove and walked. As I drove with tear-filled, red, puffy eyes, I couldn’t tell if I was crying because I was heartbroken or angry. I’m blessed to have a true supportive gentleman behind me. I let loose everything I was feeling that I wasn’t allowed to say during the meeting. I tell you now.

My headaches aren’t always caused by stress, reading or writing. While they take their toll, they aren’t the only things causing it. Want to know how I know this? Because despite wanting to flip the desk and walk in a fit of Hulk-like rage and reading and writing in class yesterday, I DIDN’T HAVE ONE STINKING HEADACHE! As I’ve told them before and as Chris tried to tell them, they are either there or they come and go. Sometimes they are gradual going from a 1-3-5 or they can shoot from a 1-8 in an instant. This is what they aren’t listening to. And they aren’t always migraine headaches. Sometimes they are, heck, probably most of the time. Yet sometimes they still hurt where I was hit. Sometimes I feel like the sides of my head are being crushed by a vice. Let’s not listen to the person trying to explain what they feel though. Many times, I wish they could suffer multiple concussions so they could experience what not just I, but other vets go through.

There was one thing I was told which set me off completely. I don’t remember what it was but it’s probably good I don’t remember. I don’t understand how people could be so blind and/or just refuse to look into something. Yes, my MRIs come up clear. Anyone who truly studies concussions/TBI know that’s the case 80% of the time. It doesn’t mean there is not other imaging out there. But wait, it’s all the VA does and of course, will not send people out for further research or analysis.

I’ve tried telling them a million times how I felt. I tell them I still have memory and recall problems. I’m told I did well on the testing. Of course I did. I’ve used a computer since kindergarten and picking colors and numbers is easy. Give me a story to read or information to recall and my mind is empty. We tried to tell them I’m still clumsy. Ok so nothing is wrong with my ears. That’s great. Want to make a more difficult test than walking around a shoe? Try having me walk through a doorway where I run into it. Or watch me get into my car and watch me hit my head every time. The only time I can clear a door is a giant truck. Even Chris has noticed something is off.

The orb in my eye ball is nothing. My vision is close to perfect as the opthalmologist doesn’t see it. Great. Tell me why it’s been there a year now and doesn’t exactly follow my eye movements, it’s slower but I see it. The 24/7 tinnitus and floater makes me crazy. Yes, music drowns it out and I can live with it. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me want to stab my eardrums with a sharp pencil. That’s if it is inner ear at all.

I’ve been sleeping great, pretty hard actually thanks to pain meds. With no pain when I lay my head down, I can sleep. It’s the only reason I can’t sleep. Yes, I have nightmares but what normal human being doesn’t?

With that being said, I do not need to rehash what happened to me growing up. Yes, I was raped, sexually assaulted, beaten, almost murdered and abandoned. Guess what? I’m ok, really. Yes people who have had those things happen, have turned out to be horrible people. I did not. I became better because of it. I knew I was not going to let it run/ruin my life. Yes, sometimes I have bad dreams, sometimes I have bad days where I stare into space. However, I grew up to be successful in the military, school and my personal life, until I suffered this head injury.

I’ve been told repeatedly it cracked the memories open like an egg. It may have. But the memories aren’t what is messing with me; it is the blasted headaches and symptoms from getting hit. I’ve been told I need to talk about these things so I can get through them. I have gotten through them. I’m not repressing anything. I’ve emptied my mind and soul on here, to neuropsych and Chris.

There’s a difference between repressing and moving on. I’m told all the time these are stressors in my life. Here’s the thing, they really aren’t. I have used my life experiences to make me a better person, help others. It does suck they happened; but I could let them control my life and keep me depressed all the time or I can think about them and think about how I survived them. I’m not a victim. I’m a warrior. I’ve survived more than a normal person should have in 32 years. I have a great boyfriend and goals. Why would I let my past ruin that? Why do I need to open up old wounds only to truly suffer from the PTSD to the max? I’m going to have good days and bad days as we all do. My life will never be 100% but I’ve accepted that and so has Chris and he has stated a million times despite my numerous efforts to push him away, he is not going anywhere. So please tell me why I need to talk about things which will only put me in a bad place. How about letting me move on positively? If I have a bad day, I will talk about it. If I am having a good day, why ruin it with reliving my insane childhood when it could potentially not only ruin my relationship but me?

It’s bad enough I have some emotional barriers because of it and I’m going to most likely live with these headaches forever. Don’t make good days bad or bad days worse. Here’s the thing, my head could be hurting around 8-9, yet when he allows me to lay my head on his lap, I’m still the happiest I’ve been in years. That’s a good thing, right? All I need help with is the blasted headaches so I can go to and enjoy school and work a job I will love to support our family. Why is that so much to ask for? I’m ok with the not perfect life but it should as close to it as possible. Happiness is what gives us long life. Anxiety and stress only raise the chances of suffering heart attacks or strokes. I don’t want that. For once in my life, I want to have kids and grow old with my love.

I’m sorry if that was depressing kids but it had to be said. I do not know at this time if I will continue trying to talk the VA into actually giving a crap. I may take a break. I may just say screw it, refile comp and pen and try to have the best life possible. While I would rather have no injury, no comp and pen and the career as a cop, it doesn’t seem possible, not even in the distant future. So here is to living the best life possible with the one person who truly loves me through thick and thin, good or bad, sickness and health, as I will him forever.

I will still participate in TBI activities where I can continue to help others but only time will tell if I will continue seeking help myself. Helping others brings me happiness and as good of health as possible. Wallowing in my own sorrows leads to nowhere.

Well there’s that. All my readers, you are wonderful and I always look forward to and anxiously wait to write you.

I hope you all have an amazing Friday and a beautiful weekend.

Stay safe in all you do and live every day as if it were your last!

XOXO

The neuro update

Hello kids. I hope this blog greets you well mainly because most of this will not bring  smile to your cheeks.

I was up at 0500 ready to go. I was so anxious about the appt. I mean this was going to be the appointment where I could tell them everything and we were going to fix this. It was just an hour drive away and a three month wait.

0830 rolls around and the resident grabs me. He’s asking the basic questions and does the basic TBI exam making sure my muscles function. I tell him about my gap and the pain I’m still having. He says he will be back with the doc.

Barely a few minutes later, they walked in the door. I was excited. These guys knew what they were doing and were on a roll. 

The attending shakes my hand, leans on the table, tells me they are going to try a new med and botox again. What!? Seriously!? I try to bring up things I was told to, like the tinnitus since my car accident, the tremors, etc. The attending walks away and out the door WHILE I was talking and asking my questions. The poor resident looked horrified.

I’m asking him my questions like if I will ever get better. I asked him when my symptoms will go away. Will I ever be able to be a cop?

The poor kid just said, “I don’t know what to say. I wish I could do more.”

Normally I would have flipped out on him but I saw he was as upset as I was. Now I will admit, I wanted to hunt down that attending, smash his head into a wall and tell him, “NOW you can be an expert in TBIs!”
But I walked out, very angrily.

I went for a walk to clear my head. I mean this is EXACTLY what I expected. I even told my docs I was scared to go for that exact reason. But I trusted the DO sending me to someone more experienced than himself in this area. I was solo mistaken.

I was so ticked I had to take the rest of the week off. I cannot work for the same people screwing me over. If a patient came in upset, I would not be able to side with the VA.

Needless to say the email to my neuropsych was not nice at all. It isn’t really her fault but I lost it. Not only am I leaving the VA as an employer but I would also rather stroke out than see anyone there as a patient ever again.

I could not believe it. I am tired of covering up the pain. If it’s still here, something is going on and it needs to be fixed. And if it can’t be fixed, help me understand. Again, I’ve never asked for a miracle cure. But three years later and still having days where I can’t get out if bed is ridiculous. I at least want some darn answers. If it’s a teaching hospital, why isn’t anyone willing to learn? Why won’t someone talk to me?

Yes, I could make it easy, take the money and live my life miserably. That’s not me though. I want to fight for my health. I want to be able to shoot guns, ride rollercoasters and play with my kids one day. My health is worth more to me than money. But I seem to running out of steam fighting this. Its been a long fight and a fight that shouldn’t be one at all.

Now for the smiley part. I was so depressed and just so angry I couldn’t express it. But then Chris walked I to the door from work. Seeing his face, everything bad washed away. We talked about it and I wasn’t even angry. More just hurt. There was something about him, how attentive and patient he was. He healed my hurting heart.

I’m still mad at the VA today and I honestly don’t know what my future holds with them and I kind of don’t care. I do see where my life is going with Chris and my family and that is all that matters to me.

I’m going to have my bad days but my good days are going to wipe those away. I mean, you know it’s live when I drop him my dog tags.

Well there’s that, kids. I hope you all have a beautiful and peaceful weekend
Lots of love.

Be safe, wear  helmet and wrap yourself in bubble wrap.

He’s all mine

No longer apologetic

Hi kids. I’m just going to write a quick post and throwing it all out there.

For the past year I have had two great providers and one who really hasn’t given a crap. If it doesn’t go by the book or the VA way, it isn’t possible. For the longest time I have been apologizing for annoying my providers.

I am no longer apologizing for wanting a normal, healthy life.

Living with a TBI is difficult. It’s even more difficult for those around me.

Right now I am missing work and fighting through pain to write this in bed, under my covers. The whirling sounds are causing such severe nausea and headaches, I have to fight vomiting.

My boss told me to talk to my docs, go to an ER or something. I no longer trust the people I should have been able to. I am tired of being pushed off, told there is nothing wrong.

Want to know what isn’t wrong? Standing up for your health when you know your life is different. I went from being the best soldier I could be to bailing on work because getting out of bed hurts.

Yes there are people who abuse the system for financial gain, etc. Not once have a fought for more compensation. What I have fought for is to understand and get better.

I have requested meetings, done tons of research, not just for me but so I can help others.

I am very blessed to have loved ones keeping my brain busy and keeping me happy during the dark days. I want to be better for them too.

Sometimes I want to ask these civilian doctors do they have any idea. Yeah I am sure they wake up with the flu and not want to go to work. But do they truly know how it feels to be terrified of the nightmares when they close their eyes? Do they know how it feels to wish they were asleep somewhere, this is all a terrible nightmare and someone would wake them up?

This is reality however. I have goals I want to accomplish. There are jobs I want to do. I want to ride roller coasters again and shoot guns again. I want to have a happy life and future with my amazing boyfriend without him worrying every time I don’t feel well.

I am no longer letting someone’s rules dictate my life and me getting what and to where I want in life. I may be down some days but when I’m up, I will be the best I can be.

That is all for now my amazing friends who still read three years later and to the new readers who know they aren’t alone.

I will catch up with you soon.

Be safe, wear a helmet and wrap yourself in bubble wrap.

Quick question

Why is it, you can remember 100 faces (maybe not names) of people around you, friends of the past; yet you want to remember a few important ones but you can’t see them?

I try to keep a few people in mind. I’ve seen them a ton of times. It’s not like once and it’s gone.

They’re an important part of life, who I am now but I can’t remember the face. It’s so confusing. I don’t know if it’s the memory issue or maybe something is telling me they aren’t as important as I feel. To me, anyone who I choose to surround myself with and who helps through the most strenuous times, should be worthy of remembering,  right?

Of course, this coming from the girl who had an amazing evening barely over a week ago and remembers nearly nothing about it if it weren’t for the photos; the girl who gets lightheaded and bumps into things when she yawns or sneezes (even without a headache).

I’m trying to learn everything I can about this yet sometimes, I don’t get it. I know people are helping me understand but there’s something missing.

Where did my quick humor, fast reflexes, amazing memory, all disappear to? My ex hated me for my memory. It still get brought up. I could play a game during family night, cook dinner and wash dishes and when every game. Now I can barely listen to music and read at the same time. I forget everything which states me to live alone, not to mention the lack of motivation. What if I am finally on my own and I forget or I’m too depresses to pay something?

These are such weird things you would think in almost 3 years (in just a couple of weeks, I think) I would be used to. Sometimes new things come up. Like my headaches not being as bad but I stumble like a drunk if I close my eyes for a sec, yawn or sneeze. Come on. That’s pretty weird.

And I say I think because honestly, I can’t remember if I was hurt March 12, 21 or 22 of 2012. Too many twos my brain doesn’t want to process. What’s the old saying? New information in, useless stuff out?

I’m not necessarily being negative. And I know some things will never be the same but it would be nice to at least remember a person’s face who I feel is an important aspect of my life.

Meh, it will come around maybe. Just random questions of the evening.

The Lowest

When you’re at the point no one cares and you will never get on your feet or be ok. Life will never be the same and no matter how positive you try to be, you know the life as you knew it is over. Every day is a fight, a fight to learn to cope. Fighting gets old. Life isn’t supposed to be this hard.

You know a few people care but wonder if they can ever really take on all it is. They have their own lives, burdening them would only exceed the guilt.

You open up and finally start to tell the truth about how bad it sucks and how you’re not ok; but they think you’re faking. One thing leads to one thing that leads to another. It’s not just one. It’s all connected but nothing helps.

Giving up on any hope of treatment seems to be the only feasible thing to do. Why finally scream out loud when still no one is listening? It was better when you held it all in. Yeah, you spun like the tornadoes in and imploded like the volcanoes in your nightmares. Yet, still it’s not real. It isn’t true. You’ll be fine. Give it time.

Talking doesn’t help anymore as it falls on deaf ears. Maybe it’s the happy mask full of jokes you put on out of fear and nervousness. Maybe it’s the game fave to make sure everyone else is happy.

You revert to punching, driving erratically, wanting to hug a bottle of something you’ve never really longed for,  anything to flush out the thoughts and memories.

When does it get better? Never isn’t an option. Forever doesn’t feel so far away when you’re truly in it alone. Everyone is different. No one copes the same, still, leaving you alone.

You go days putting on a smile and feeling nothing or feeling lost. No one sees how down you really are. No one sees the tears. No one hears the screams.

The life you dreamed of is crushed. No one can help. Nothing pulls you out. The only thing driving you is the hope that one day, there will finally be peace, even if only for moments.